I’ll reprint below my comment (#6) from this Palmer Periscope thread:
imagine this courtroom scene:
Atty: And so, in closing, Your Honor, it is clear Mr. H. is a bigot!
Judge: Excuse me, … why is that, again?
Atty: Well, Your Honor, … my client claims he heard from someone that…
Judge: You HEARD from someone? That’s hearsay. But alright, what did he say?
Atty: Well, he said he took Mr. H. into this restaurant in Guatemala,
Judge: So? Why’s that bigoted?
Atty: If you will, Your Honor, I’m getting to that. So according to my client’s friend, Mr. H. asked if Guatemalans ate in this restaurant too, and, well,
Judge: What’s wrong with that question?
Atty: Well,… nothing, really, Your Honor, but in context — anyway, what he did was–according to my client’s friend, Mr. H. kind of got this disgusted look on his face.
Judge: What?
Atty: Ummm, he got all disgusted at the Guatemalans there. I mean, he had this disgusted look on his face. Or so my client says. I mean his friend, his friend.
Judge: Hold on one goddamn minute. You mean, you are marching into MY courtroom, and telling me Mr. H is a bigot because someone said he got a disgusted look on his face?
Atty: Well… I bet it was a REAL disgusted look, Your Honor, if I had to… ummm… guess.
Judge: How in the world do you know what he was disgusted about? Maybe your client’s friend had just farted?!
Atty: Ummm, well. You see…. my client says Mr. H. is despicable and a big meany, your honor. And, umm, he’s German. Also, he called my client an Ambassador of Homosexuality.
Judge: What the…. Your client is gay?
Atty: Yes, Your Honor. As far as I know.
Judge: How would you know? Has he testifid to this under oath?
Atty: Well… no, but he mentions it all the time on his …. libertarian site.
Judge: What does his political philosophy have to do with his sexual orientation…?
Atty: …. I’ll have to get back with you on that one, Judge.
Judge: Anyway, what in the name of tarnation is an Ambassador of Homosexuality? What does it even mean?
Atty: Ummmm. We don’t really know your honor. But… I think it probably means, um, that my client’s gay.
Judge: I thought you said your client is gay?
Atty: Oh, he is, he is…. Let me rephrase that, Your Honor. It shows clear evidence of Mr. H’s bigotry.
Judge: [steamed] …. against Guatemalans? Gay ones?!
Atty: Sure, sure, but… regular ones too. And non-Guateman gays. And there were Indians in the restaurant too.
Judge: What the…? Indians? The woo-woo-woo kind or the dot-head kind?
Atty: Your Honor, I don’t think that’s a very sensitive–
Judge: Alright, but which kind?
Atty: Umm, the woo-woo kind, Sir.
Judge: …
Atty: Your Honor?
Judge: Jesus Christ. Why do I get stuck with these cases?
Atty: Your Honor?
Judge: Go AHEAD Counselor, I’m waiting.
Atty: Well… one time he had a sarcastic comment about a friend of my client’s doing LSD…. [trails off]
Judge: A gay Guatemalan friend?
Atty: Ha ha, um, that’s pretty good Your Honor but … No.
Judge: Well, was your client’s friend doing illegal drugs?
Atty: Your Honor, I hardly see how that’s relev–
Judge: YOU brought it up, Counselor. I’m just asking if what Mr. H. said was true or not.
Atty: Umm, Your Honor, I’d rather not say.
Judge: Fine. Strike it from the record.
Judge: So let me get this straight. Because Mr. H. allegedly “looked disgusted” … and referred to your client as gay, in some weird expression none of us know what it means… and does not like LSD addicts (I have to say, I don’t much either) … you claim this proves that Mr. H. hates (a) gay and non-gay Guatemalans; (b) gay and non-gay Indians (the woo-woo-woo type); and (c) gay non-Guatemalan non-Indians. Do I have this straight?
Atty: …. Well. I mean, I would not … You don’t have to put it that way, Your Honor, ….
Judge: What way?!
Atty: Well, like … like you’re making fun of it. As if it’s … not really a serious charge.
Judge: Shut up. Let me ask you, counsellor. What is the label for Mr. H’s particular brand of bigotry. Would you call it anti-Guatemalan-Indian/homophobic…?
Atty: Umm, well… that sort of makes it sound —
Judge: Silly?!
Atty: Well, it is too narrow, and at the same time, too broad.
Judge: How so?
Atty: Because it doesn’t say he hates Jews or blacks.
Judge: Are you saying he’s racist and anti-semitic too? What evidence do you have for that?
Atty: Well…. none… exactly, but we just assume–
Judge: You ASSUME!? Counsellor, didn’t you see the Bad News Bears??
Atty: Excuse me, Your Honor?
Judge: Your remember it, Counselor. Jodi Foster. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. Now what did that movie teach you about assuming things?
Atty: Ummmm. [cough] That… you make an ASS out of U and ME?
Judge: EXACTLY. Now do you want to make an ass out of me, Counsellor?
Atty: No, no, no sir, Your Honor.
Judge: Good. Anything else?
Atty: Pardon?
Judge: Anything else to prove this strange bigotry claim?
Atty: Well… he once said that you can’t have involuntary unemmployment on the free market. And also, he was not nice to my client one time.
Judge: Counselor. You do realize you are about to piss me off, don’t you?
Atty: Yes, Your Honor. I apologize.
Judge: You better hope Mr. H. didn’t spend a lot of money on legal bills, because you’re about to pay them.
