Things not to say to a first-time mom

Ahh, I’m learning a lot these days.

If you ask, “Where exactly do I put dirty baby clothes? Where is this alleged special baby clothes hamper you always refer to?” and the wife answers, “In the green hamper on top of the little fridge in the laundry room–where we’ve been putting them for two months–where have you been? What planet do you live on?”–I suggest you don’t mutter under your breath loud enough for her to hear, “at least I don’t live on b*tch-world”.

Another suggestion: if you are leaving the house with wife and baby in tow, and the wife pulls your wedding ring out of her pocket, saying, “so, why aren’t you wearing THIS?”, don’t say, “Look, I’m walking your two poodles on pink leashes, I’ve got the baby in a Baby Bjorn carrier on my stomach, I’ve got a Brighton diaper bag over my shoulder–just how married do I need to look?”